Go wild, for awhile

The house was filled with interesting people in clever costumes. The music was just loud enough to feel it in your bones but still understand the person standing next to you. That's where I first saw you, the gorgeous man who stood tall and proud. 

Then gone. Nothing but a blurry memory.

But I saw you recently. You, this gorgeous thing that I could only ever dream of having. This thing that I didn't believe I would ever deserve. This thing that I wanted more than myself. This thing that could feel like home finally. This thing I valued more than myself. 

You have taken on many forms over the years. Sometimes your hair is blonde and your eyes blue, other times wavy and brown and eyes emerald green. But always you remain the same, this gorgeous thing.

And I've been in a dark place these days. The darkest I've ever known. So when I caught a glimpse of you the other day, my heart felt heavy, my chest tight. You, looking straight at me, eyes fixed, frame still, frozen in time. 

Curious, I looked through the places you'd been, the things you'd seen, the things you owned and experienced. Still this gorgeous thing. 

And all the things began to crawl up on my skin. They usually grip me tight and inch their way up over my entire body, a feeling I know all too well. But this time, they were tame. They stayed near the bottom they hardly moved. The things; things I didn't believe I deserved, the things I wanted more than myself, the things worth more than I. 

But I was so inspired by the places you'd been, and the things you'd had, and the things you got to be. And finally, I realized: I don't want to have you, this thing to own, I want to be a gorgeous thing like you. I wanted to become the things I perceived you were. I wanted that life. I wanted me. Finally, I wanted me more than I wanted to own you. 

And that has been the biggest revelation. It has changed everything. Because now I do get to have and own this gorgeous thing that I deserve and want and that feels like home. Because now, I believe I get to be this gorgeous thing. A thing I had never before thought I could be.