Chosen

He came to my door with seeds and wood and said, “let’s build something together.”

I looked back at my house- missing a roof and some walls. I liked it this way, so open and free. And I knew how to handle the rain; how to protect myself. I didn’t need anyone else to do it for me.  

And he stood there and waited with his hands open. Not knowing what I would say or do. 

And there was a great stirring inside of me.  A hurricane of mixed emotions.

I grabbed his hand and said, “come with me.” Then I took him, running, into the great fields that fenced the north end of my house. Barefoot, I pulled him fast and steady towards the entrance of the forest Evergreen. 

I stop, at the entrance. I turn towards him. And he stands there firm and strong and devoted. 

"This is my forest, where the memories of everyone I've ever loved, in any depth, are kept." I say to him quietly. He smiles at me and I do not smile back. 

I pull him into that forest that from one end is Eden and the other is Hell. As we walk deeper into the darkness, I wonder how far he will go before his love is frightened and leaves his body. But I don't dare look back at him, with a heavy heart I wait for his hand to leave mine. 

So many have come along and they have so many words and so many things but none have made it through this forrest. None stay. And I need someone who can get there and still love me. 

From one moment to the next, I realize I no longer hold his hand. I am somewhat impressed by how far he has come. I continue to walk and my tears evaporate before they reach the ground. I get to the end. There is a wild fire, massive. Oxygen is reduced and visibility low. I stand there and look at it from a far. 

This isn't the first time I've lit this place on fire. It has happened many, many times before. Because heartache opens the door to pain. And pain creates a dragon in me. It kills anything it can touch. 

And though at times that fire is small and other times it is half of my forest, it is always there. Always burning. Always waiting for me to show up with just the right amount of heartbreak so that it can become more and more powerful. It's reach of death extended many times over. 

And in the distance I see him, on the mountain behind the end of this forrest; just above the flames. And I fear for him, I know he will die here.

"You can't put it out!" I shout at him- hoping he'd just come back down. 

"There is no water here! It's all gone!" I continue. 

And he keeps moving around, and I can't make out what he is doing.

I see him push some logs against the dirt- building it up to a large pile. I wonder how he even got up there. 

And he won't come down. 

Then he pushed the dirt off the small cliff just above the fire. And kept at it. 

And I stood there, my body frozen; only watching the fire die. I see it reduced to nothing. He knew exactly what to do. And I thought he had left me. 

And I felt faint. 

He comes down the mountain and meets me where I'm at. He looks out towards the grave that once was a fire. "Good, now we can use it's rich soil to grow as many trees as we want." He says happily. 

And I'm shaken. I've not known this place without a painful flame for centuries. I'd forgotten what it looked like. I'd forgotten that cliff. 

He leans in close. He knows me- words cannot express what I felt in that moment, but he didn't need them. He knew. And he held me close; and a different warmth overcame me. 

"Do you think we can plant tree's from my land here, among yours?" He asks, almost nervous. 

“But our roots would intertwine”, I thought to myself, “they would learn to depend on each other- to work together to survive.” 

"But when they got big enough, they'd become inseparable." I say. "What if you go and I am left with your roots and couldn't get rid of them without burning down a small part of myself too?" I fear him. I fear the power he might have in leaving. I fear the consequence. 

He turns around and begins to examine all that surrounds us, and all that didn't. 

Then he came back to me and the depths in his eyes made it hard to look directly at him for long. Almost as if I would be all consumed by them. That I might lose myself. 

"Why don't you give me this blackened section here? After all, I did work very hard to put out that fire." He seems to smile through everything in a way that is innocent and honest. "Then, when my roots intertwine with yours, we will both be equal. You will have to lose as much as I will. As I do." He continues. 

"Now you want me to give a part of myself to you?" I ask. 

"Darling, that's real love. You give up a part of yourself to live inside another person." He responds. His demeanor immune to my fear. He remains patient with me. 

And there was a cave nearby. We walked into it until we reached the end. Then at the strike of a match, I lit the place in soft yellow fire. And I watched for his reaction. 

He was bewildered and enchanted all at the same time. "What is this place?" he asks. Amethyst and quartz grew from every surface. They all glittered with the flickering flame. Bright as day. 

"This is my grave," I say to him. "This is the place, not a person, that will carry me through my last breath. I’ve known for decades I was fated to be alone- always- so I planned my life accordingly. And over the years I’ve found the most incredible places on Earth- and in them I found myself; I am only mine."

And he then comes closer and looks at me deeply. 

"Why did you bring me here?" He asks. 

"Can you offer me something greater than this?" I respond. 

Then he looks down at the ground in contemplation. He turns around and takes a good look at every gem that surrounds us. Then he pulled out a pocket knife and knelt down. I wondered what he was doing. 

He came back with a stone in his hand; bleeding from all of the sharp edges he needed to handle to obtain the gem. 

"I will be with you until that last day. I will be here to lay your sacred body among these living crystals. I will give you so much more than this." He says. And in his eyes I see my future. In them I find truth. 

He takes my hands and places the freckled stone in them. "This I promise you." He says it as if it's the surest thing he's ever known. 

And it took the stone's sharp edges cutting into my palm for me to finally realize that this was real. I wrap my arms around him and we sit there in the sparkling cave. 

"I'll race you back to my place!" I shout as I get a head start. 

"But how do I find it!" He shouts back. 

"Follow the setting sun!" I respond.

And we burrow through the fields until we both arrive at my door. 

We stand in front of it. He walks around and through the house, as if he is looking for something. I find a leaf to place our gem in and sit on the grass outside instead. He returns with a full report; of walls we should build and the roof that would secure it all. 

"Is this your garden?" He says as he points to the east. 

"Yes! Come see!" and I show him. "Let's make this twice the size, I brought many seeds from my land and they are all so different than yours. Let's grow them together." He says with a smile on his face and dirt on his hands. 

And life has taken shape and sharpened its color. And I wondered how I ever lived a life void of his great love. And in him I found a home. One we created from equal parts of us both. 

But I am whole, independent of him. I have a life filled with wonder and bliss in the smallest of things. I enjoy the moons company by night and by day the sun lights the way to new discoveries and adventures. So, I do not need him but there is something about his presence that has changed me. I didn't know what is was like to love another this way. I love the mountains and the waterfalls and the skyscraper tree's. I love my life but in him I've found a greater capacity for joy. 

I wonder how many battles he had to fight to get to me. Battles against himself, ones that taught him how to grow into his true self. He didn't need anyone else. He learned to love himself first. And that made him whole. 

I figured we have our whole lives to talk about these things. So we start with tonight; we make dinner and laugh amongst the moonlight. 

This is no longer a house. Now I have a home.

Now I know the difference.

And I am home.

I am home.